I was wrong about marriage.

Someone once joked and said that “Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.” No marriage, no divorce, right?😀🤦

But seriously, we live in wild times. People are marrying same gender, animals, themselves—even inanimate objects. And guess what? Some of these are legal in certain societies.

But what did marriage originally mean?

Biblically, it started with KNOWING 😉 — yes, sex. Adam saw Eve, liked her, and knew her. No priest. No parents. No papers.

That got me thinking: when does marriage actually start?

I've asked around — “When did you get married?” The answers are all over the place. To share a few, some say, “Wedding day.” Others, “When we paid dowry.” while others say, “When we started living together.” Again, is it either of them or some of them combined? But those factors didn't exist in Eden. So I turned to God with the same question. His answer? “WHEN YOU COMMIT TO HER.”

Not when you sleep with her. Not when you sign papers. Not even when your guardians approve. When you commit.

Commitment. That’s the foundation. Later on, submission and love will play key parts in the building blocks as you get to know and lead together. Ironically, submission is actually easy for men and love is easy for women and so the story goes.

So here’s what I’ve come to believe: there are three “OFFICES” that recognize marriage, and each must be honored in its way:

1. God’s Office

To God, marriage begins at commitment — and that’s a matter of the heart. When a man says, “She’s the one,” proposes, and she says yes — that’s a marriage in God’s sight. Genesis 2:23-25 captures that. Consummation (sex) comes next, sealing that commitment. But we live in a world where sex is often for fun and fantasy, not fruitfulness and faithfulness as God intended it. This is why premarital counseling should come before proposals and how vital the dating stage is. Don't commit too fast, based on feelings only. This also explains why individuals have a strong attachment to their first sexual partner for the rest of their lives. They were thus named as SOUL TIES and the more people you have sex with before committing to one, the more soul ties you have. You see, before God, that was a union of body, mind and spirit. One should not be too concerned about loosing their virginity as much as they should be concerned about being united to another.

Paul was onto something when he wrote this words in 1 Corinthians 6:15-20. "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”(Quoting Genesis 2:24) But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."

This is a guideline purely for believers in God or the born-again. Those not of the kingdom find this to be foolishness.

2. Guardians’ Office

This is where culture comes in. In Africa, we say it takes a village to raise a child — and by extension, to bless a marriage. In our African traditions, marriage isn't just between two individuals; it's a union of families and communities. Honoring cultural rites is a way of saying, ‘We belong together, and our people stand with us.’ Cultural rites are a way of honoring father and mother, and the broader community. It’s about accountability, not just tradition. Culture is good as long as there's no sin or worship of other deities other than the ONE God.

This is a guideline for both believers and nonbelievers. Even if you're not born-again, it's prudent to honor your guardians.

3. Government Office

The government recognizes a marriage when the certificate is signed. They see it as a legal contract and not as a lifelong commitment as God does. A marriage certificate is the government's way of saying, ‘We recognize your union.’ It's the legal seal, but not the heart of the marriage. This is where religious institutions come in — they’re licensed to officiate. This can also be done in government offices as directed by the state. Church compound weddings are legal because the denomination acts as an arm of the government(and for this reason it's designated as a venue). Just like any contract, witnesses are key in this event.

This is a guideline for both believers and nonbelievers. State authorities need to be notified as long as we're it's citizens.

So the answer to “Are you really married” depends on who’s been asked. God considers commitment, guardians follow culture and the government checks certificates.

This also helps frame how we process divorce and separations.  

- The government allows it — with paperwork and due process followed.

From January to April 23rd 2025, 630+ individuals had filed for divorce at Milimani law courts in Nairobi, Kenya according to one Christine Muthoni a divorce lawyer.

- The culture may allow it — after certain cultural demands have been fulfilled.

- But God? He said it was allowed through Moses among Israelites only because of hard hearts. He still hates it and doesn't support it.

This article is still undergoing some edits and for this reason, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Where could I be wrong in my processing of this matter?

Other write-ups on marriage & family;

1. https://mapstage.blogspot.com/2024/07/i-almost-became-father.html

2. https://mapstage.blogspot.com/2024/12/polygamy-monogamy-and-real-grammy.html

3. https://mapstage.blogspot.com/2024/12/submission-as-evangelism-tool.html

4. https://mapstage.blogspot.com/2025/02/inheritance-and-marriage-conversation.html